“Are you done crying?” he says.
“For now,” she says.
In the back, Suzy sleeps fitful in her car seat. He watches the tiny face in the rearview, the red stain of the taffy covering her cheeks like a rash.
“I don’t think giving her sugar is such a good idea,” he says.
“I’m sure you don’t,” she says, smearing her index finger down the window, trailing the raindrops outside. “Even if it was your idea,” she adds, almost under her breath.
The line of waiting cars inches forward. “Jesus, this is taking forever,” he mutters. “We’ll never get home.”
The slow grind of domestic friction. Well-captured
Very visual… love the way it builds tension..
Wow. Great “moment in the life of” that speaks so well to those little, deadly tensions in a relationship gone sour. Nice visuals of the rain on the window and the messy child’s face.
Dear Josh,
You set the scene well. I could hear the rain pelting the roof and feel the tension mount between them. (I think you might want to add an ‘ly’ to the end of fitful.) Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Just a lovely piece of writing. You so captured that low level tension, that undercurrent of friction bubbling between them. Love that we came in after the fireworks, just witness to the embers of the argument. Wonderful stuff Josh
Aw, thanks!
A familiar scene – I went along similar lines of domestic travel. Expertly done.
Oh man… I think I’ve had a drive or two like that. Portrayed so well those moments of a relationship that are not so rosy.
Yup. Been on drives like that.
You built the tension beautifully. Glad it ended as just a normal day in the life type of story. Beginings have such optimism, endings are full of strife.
A mood easily recognized by we who are married with children.
Oh, this dialogue is just perfect.
I think I was in that car! Brilliantly captured. :o)
What do you mean ‘Bainbridge Island’??? This is Friday Harbor. :) Seattle gets the new ferry boats. Nice story, we’ve all been there.
I’d say this is a pretty normal drive for couple with kids. You captured that sense really well and the desperation to get out of the car and run far, run fast, and yet you’re stuck.
Well done.
xx Rowena
Ooer … let’s hope poor little Suzy isn’t taking in enough of this to shape her own future approach to relationships. A good story and VERY realistic.
You said so much about their situation in so few words. Excellent.
My story – ‘An empty bottle’
The kettle was already on boil when you started. Simmering tension ebbing away. Brilliant writing,
Thanks Neel!
Nicely shown, I like the understated way you reveal the tension between them and you’ve captured it exactly as I’ve seen and heard it.
Very well told. Now we’re all wondering what started this squabble and where it’s going. If they sit on the same spot long enough will they resolve it?
So good. The tension between this pair is tangible. It’ll be straight to bed when they get home, a pillow slid between them.
I think this pair had probably moved on to separate bedrooms. Thank you for reading!