Cleo woke to the headlights rolling across the doorway as a car pulled off 66. She roused herself, stretched her sore back.
A man climbed out of the car and came toward her, keys jingling. He wore khaki coveralls and a cap emblazoned with the Texaco star.
“We’re not open yet,” he said cheerfully. “You by yourself?”
She nodded. “Hitching west. Started in Chicago. Oak Park, actually.”
He unlocked the door and held it. “Well, come on in. I gotta make coffee anyway.”
She went in. He followed.
“Gotta admit I’m a little jealous,” he said, locking the door behind him.
A great last line
Dear J Hardy,
I heard the click in the last line that sent shivers through me. I wouldn’t trust my car to this man who wears the star. Bravo!
Shalom,
Rochelle
O dear I don’t like the way this story seems to be going. But very well written
Judging by the FF stories so far, Route 66 is not the best place. Chilling last line.
So very menacing. It’s all downhill from here I suspect.
This was definitely menacing. Well told, especially the sucker punch last line.
Well told. Especially the sucker punch of a last line.
So smoothly and confidently written – not a word out of place. Do you know what happens next, because your readers are assuming something truly awful. I’m a bit more open minded … :)
Ah dear, another victim. I sense he may have done this before… Nicely written.
Poor, naive thing… that is just awful. Well done.
It’s the locking of the door that gives me the chills, and the oh-so casual asking if she is alone. Great writing, as always.
Locking! Uh-oh. Good contrast with the last line and the easy conversational feel of the rest of it.
I choose to ignore the goose bumps today.
This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Well it could be.
Tracey
Hi – just joined friday Fictioneers and looking forward to sharing stories…
Brrr… menace sets in for me as soon as he says ‘You by Yourself?’
I sincerely hope he’s locking the door because he’s technically not open and not because he’s a grungy perv. Either way, this was a great story and very well written.
EEK! I had such high hopes for a happy ending, the story had such a nice flow and friendly feel until the end. It elicited an emotional response, which a good story always does.
well done!
No good! But great story.
The last line is superbly sinister
Lovely easy flowing conversation, then the WHAM at the end! Very sinister!
A great deal of visuals appeared as I read this. I felt like she didn’t notice how menacing he was; especially since he asked “Are you alone?” YIKES … curious about what happens next. Great write ….
Isadora